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10 Mins into Jared/Ivanka Coitus, Onlooking Trump Offers Son-in-Law Chief of Staff Job

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Donald Trump peeks through the closet door

Watching from a bedroom closet the night of December 12th, President Trump said very little while his daughter, Ivanka, and son-in-law, Jared Kushner, went at it with all the vigor of youth they possessed. Usually, Mr. Trump couldn't be silenced while the two young love birds went to town, but tonight was different. The President had something on his mind, and so ten minutes into whoopee, with his hair caught on a coat hanger, peeking through the door slots, he requested that Jared take the upcoming Chief of Staff position that is being vacated by John Kelly in January.

All was silent in the bedroom. The Kush removed a "How to Train Your Dragon" action figure from himself before sitting down not on Ivanka's face. He put down the cattle prod, placed his latex-tight head in his hands, and thought about the offer.

"You don't have to make a decision now," bellowed Trump, whose hair was becoming evermore entangled in the coat hanger. Ivanka remained still, for she had not been ordered otherwise.

"I'll give you my answer when this Passion Fruit Martini-scented Yankee candle is nothing but melted wax dispersed equally onto Ivanka and I."

"Alright. But LOCK HER UP!" Trump shouted. Jared obliged, reapplied the Gobber action figure, and handcuffed Ivanka to an unconscious and gagged Tony Hawk before the party continued their Wednesday night routine.

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