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The Maduro Diet: How Venezuela Keeps Churning Out Supermodels

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Nicolas Maduro sports knock-off Beats by Dre

How is this revolutionary weight-loss possible? With the country's economy doing worse than an imprisoned Jared Fogle, Venezuelans are flocking to subpar sandwich chain Subway as if it were 2002. Today, unable to afford calorie-dense meals like the "Meatball iregretthis Marinara" and "Steak & Cheese & Heartburn" or "Classic Technically Tuna," patrons sit with their families in silence, unmoving to conserve energy. It's a long cardio-intensive walk home when you can't afford the country's chief-export that is gasoline.

Out of this misery, however, the world of fashion is being overtaken by this new breed of models: starving Venezuelans. Super models elsewhere can't fast fast enough to compete with these creations of the Maduro Diet (named after the country's leader, Nicolas Maduro, who also happens to be a Paul Blart: Mall Cop reenactment enthusiast).

Currently these light-weight citizens are being used on-set of a live action production of Disney Pixar's Up where they're taking the place of the balloons. Disaster already struck the set a week ago when a group of five starving models broke from their tethers and floated into the sun.

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