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"I Solemnly Swear That I Am Up to No Good," Whispers Eric Trump

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

He tapped his Marauders Map with a Neville Longbottom replica wand as Don Jr wrapped Eric and himself in their bedroom curtain. "Let's go, bud."

Their first stop was the kitchen, where a leftover half-eaten 6-piece Chicken McNuggets box resided. Eric had told Don Jr that he could eat an entire Kid's Meal even though Don had warned him it was too much food. Nevertheless, Eric ordered it.

He now snatched the box and immediately began nibbling on a nugget.

Enshrouding themselves once more in the curtain, the two clumsily walked out of the kitchen and toward the staircase leading to the Oval Office. The sound of footsteps approaching scared the boys, who darted into the Red Room for safe haven. Their legs became entangled and they toppled over, chicken nuggets scattering across the floor. "My nuggers!" wailed Eric as he fought back tears.

"It's OK, bud, we'll get you some more tomorrow. And, hey, you might get the Flopsy Peter Rabbit toy."

"That's the last one I need!"

"I know, bud." Don Jr gazed at his brother with the most sincere, loving smile. "You still have that Cherry and Unicorn Hair wand handy?"

Eric fished the long, polished piece of wood out of his trousers with the same, empty look on his face and agape mouth as always. When the footsteps grew louder and louder, the boys heard a man's voice muttering, "Where are you gays hiding? I can smell ya!"

The boys looked at each other and let out a yell, leaping out at the intruder. Eric's wand jabbed Mike Pence's testicle and broke in half. He keeled over and yelled after the cloaked 4-footed figure running away from him. "I'll hang you from your thumbs!" hissed the Conservative Squib as he rose to his feet.

He pulled out a small tin, lit up a cigarette, and reflected on his high school days. "God, I miss the screaming."

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