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Comey Begins Book Tour at New York's Trinity Kindergarten

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Former FBI Director James Comey announced a tour date to promote his book "A Higher Loyalty: Truth, Lies, and Leadership," but made a surprise appearance at Trinity Kindergarten in New York City two days before his scheduled tour. The dismissed former director brought with him a casket full of props and sock puppets to beguile his young listeners while he recounted the details of his adventure during the early days of Donald Trump's presidency.

As he enchanted his viewers with heroics and secrets from his time as Director, James pulled from his treasure box a Donald Trump sock puppet. Wearing a silly birthday cake hat, Mr Comey gritted his teeth, clenched his fist, and aggressively entered the cavity of the Trump figure. "And this man, your president, dismissed me of the position I worked so very hard to come to," Comey said through his clenched jaw. With every word Comey fisted the puppet ever harder. "I played fair. I investigated Hillary to remain unbiased. I-DID-THIS-FOR-YOU!" Comey screamed as his knuckles ripped through the throat of puppet Trump, sending cotton flying onto the children in the first row and causing a series of sporadic weeping throughout the crowded room.

When the lint finally floated down and settled onto the throw-up-stained carpet, Mr Comey regained his composure and pulled out another book from the prop casket. "Now who wants to hear some Jeb Bush presidency fan-fiction?"

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