The Impotent Satyr
Speaker of the House and P90x enthusiast Paul Ryan announced Wednesday April 11 that he will not seek a second term in Congress. Ryan reluctantly became Speaker of the House in 2015, succeeding Ohio Representative John Boehner after conservatives pushed Boehner out, demanding a new, sleeker Roman Catholic who the kids saw as "hip".
Once he'd phoned the President and Vice President and told them his decision, Mr Ryan began filling an empty 25 gallon creatine barrel with his dumbbells, cables, Clif bars, and favorite Papa Roach albums. When asked which albums he listens to when, Ryan disclosed that he blasts Infest through his ear buds during his cardio routine of aggressively chasing down grocery store shoppers who pay with food stamps. He psychs himself up with The Paramour Sessions before his boxing match against two punching bags resembling a gay couple in wedding attire. The Speaker of the House relaxes with album Lovehatetragedy's opening track "M-80 (Explosive Energy Movement)" and a post-workout protein smoothie from his non-recyclable plastic bottle with the words "CLIMATE SCIENTIST TEARS" written on the side.
With tears forming in his eyes, a sentimental Paul Ryan placed a framed selfie of himself and Mitt Romney sharing a plate of spaghetti into his barrel of items before hoisting it onto his back and sprinting 13 miles home to his wife and kids.