The Impotent Satyr
Since being appointed head of the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) Scott Pruitt has done everything in his power to transform his lackluster life into that of an evil-doer's. How so, you ask? Let's break it down.
His motive: He hates the environment. Why? Perhaps a catastrophic event changed his life when he was young, and it's been eating him up inside this whole time. One can only speculate at what that might have been; father mauled by a macaque? brother botch a backflip from a Kentucky tulip tree? was Scott subjected to the middle car seat for the entirety of a long family vacation to the Grand Canyon? One or all of these may be the cause of his anger toward nature.
Evil rhetoric: Scott rejects the scientific consensus that humans have an effect on climate change. He's falsely claimed that that Earth has shown a "leveling off of warming" in the last twenty years. He and his guild leader, President Trump, have united to disassemble many of the environmental protections enacted by the previous administration. Pruitt has also stated that an increase in global temperate might not be "a bad thing" and that it is "arrogant" to say what "the ideal surface temperature should be in the year 2100" (Washington Post). In the words of Pruitt's favorite Smash Mouth song, "might as well be walkin' on the sun."
No moral guidance: At least five officials at the EPA were demoted, reassigned, or requested new jobs after they questioned the lavish spending and backwards management of the agency's administrator, Scott Pruitt. He now has no conscience to guide his behavior, further pushing him down the path of a Sith lord.
Nefarious tools: The EPA head requested a bullet-proof car as well as a lease on a private jet that would have cost the agency 100k/month. He was denied both. However he was granted a sound-proof telephone booth for his office where he can contact his master and inform them about all the evil schemes in motion.
Cronies: Two of Mr Pruitt's aids were given raises in salary by around 28k for one and about 57k for the other. He did this by utilizing a little-known provision in the Safe Drinking Water Act AND after the White House decided not to grant these salary increases. Also revealed this last week was the deal that Pruitt struck with Vicki Hart, whose husband is an energy lobbyist, to rent a condo for $50/day. The condo was also reportedly utilized by three Republican lawmakers for fundraisers (The Daily Beast). This is skirting on the ethics line of accepting a bribe. In an interview with Fox News' Ed Henry, after he'd been grilling Pruitt on his controversies, Ed said, "President Trump said he would drain the swamp," to which the ogreish Pruitt bellowed, "This is MY swamp."
Henchmen: A super villain has to have lackeys--Scott is no different, having requested an increase in his security detail to twenty persons. I just hope they don't all show up to work wearing the same outfit--that would be awkward.
Lavish lifestyle: Scott Pruitt has absolutely no problem with spending money as long as tax payers are picking up the tab. In his first year as EPA chief he racked up a total of $105,000 on first class flights and a further $58,000 on charter flights to connect him with other flights. Pruitt also enjoyed the use of a military jet and spent an unusually large amount of money on office furniture. If only he had communicated with Ben Carson and his own purchases--they could have saved money on shipping and handling costs.
The guy is just one popped collar and a monologue away from true super villainy. But soon after his complete transformation into Global Warmer, the cravings for a hero to step up and attempt to thwart his plans will begin. Who will his protagonist be?
