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Kellyanne Conway is #1 Leaker in White House, According to Kellyanne Conway

Updated: Feb 12, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

Rattling and held together with fiberglass insulation and duct tape, 51-years-old water pipe and counselor to the president Kellyanne Conway revealed to The Impotent Satyr, and anyone who would listen, that she was the number one source for all matters deemed private in The White House. Without skipping a beat, Mrs. Conway told us she once witnessed Attorney General Jeff Sessions eating one of H.R. McMaster's chunky-heel leather Oxfords until McMaster walked in and made him spit it out. It was too late however, as Sessions had "already fully consumed one shoe," said Conway.

We heard the stomping of John Kelly coming down the hallway so Conway ushered us into her office and locked the door. She then proceeded to show us a scar on the underside of her foot she got at Universal Studios when she was 27, told us how many ulcers she had (3), and whispered that Jarod Kushner always has at least 5 yarmulkes on his person at all time.

There was a knock on the door—Kellyanne slowly opened the door to reveal an ecstatic Ivanka Trump. “Congratulations on being number one, Kellyanne!” said Ivanka as she held out a gift in her hands—a sporty foam finger. “I was going to bake you a cake, but I couldn’t find any of my maids.”

“Oh that’s okay, replied Kellyanne. “I have a very strict diet of other staff members’ dreams.” It was at that moment that our Impotent Satyr team escorted ourselves off the premises.

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