Russian President Vladimir Putin, in his annual address to the nation in Moscow, laid out plans for his assumed 4th term in the highest office. Opposition leader Alexei Navalny has been "barred" from running, securing Vlad's victory--almost. Alexei can still enter the race, but he has to solve a Rubik's cube, bake a perfect raspberry crepe for Sergey Kislyak's mother, beat Viktor Yanukovych's
Bop-It(TM) high score, and, lastly, sit through all four seasons of the Russian medical sitcom "Interny" and write enough fan faction to explore every conceivable relationship that could be had between any two characters. Then and only then will Alexei be allowed to enter the race.
In the same speech, Putin boasted three new missiles which are impossible to intercept and, with nuclear warhead attached, are capable of decimating tens of thousands of lives. But who is going to shoot down a missile aimed at Russia's poorest individuals? Not the poor, that's for sure.
New reports are coming in about rural civilians assembling crude slingshots and catapults in a last-minute attempt to thwart the missiles about to rain down on them. A man named Viktor, living in a partially collapsed shack, told us that he "fully understands" Putin's motives. "There are only two ways to halve poverty in this country," the man said. "You can spend time and money to help people like us find work, food, and affordable housing. Or you can just spend money on wiping us off the face of the Earth. So I totally understand and have accepted my fate."