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Straight-Edge Sessions, Eager to Show How Straight-Edge He is, Shows How Straight-Edge He Is

Updated: Apr 8, 2019

Jeff Sessions wears a "Make America 1920-1933 Again" hat at a Trump rally.
"I'm popular! This feeling will last forever! I'm sure of it!"

In a blow to growers and users of cannabis alike, January 4th marked an uncertain day for the future of medical and recreational Marijuana use as Attorney General Jefferson Beauregard Sessions III rescinded a 2013 policy that let individual states legalize the stuff without federal retribution. Sessions, a man so sober that he can remember every single dull moment of his booze-less 1969 bachelor party, has come under fire from both Democrats and Republicans for this latest attack on pot. You see, Jeff is the kind of guy who drinks nothing but ginger ale at political fundraiser dinners and then lets everyone know that a drop of liquor has never touched his lips. The only munchies the former Alabama senator ever had were Cool Ranch flavor and came from a Frito Lay bag. A New York Times journalist was once with Trump's cabinet members when the journalist withdrew a cigar and asked the group for a light. The first to speak up was Sessions who immediately replied, "I do not, in fact, have a light-" "Oh, God, here he goes again," groaned Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. "... because I am not, nor have I ever been, under the influence of alcohol, tobacco or narcotics. My brain is free from such harmful substances that erode the minds of today's youth and-" "Jeff!" exclaimed a tired Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross, "what does your mother think of you? Tell us what she says." The wide-eyed Sessions twiddled his thumbs. "Well, Momma calls me her 'little peach' and says that I'm a good boy. "That's right--you're a good boy." "I'm a good boy."

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