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The Evergreen State College LIB Building (West Stairwell)

Updated: Nov 25, 2019

Stairwell Aficionado

It's about to be week 7 of 10 in this Fall quarter at Evergreen. I'mFeelingItNowMr.Krabs.jpeg I'm consistently on campus slinging bagels, participating in class discussions, hissing at campus police, and reviewing stairwells. People are constantly telling me, "Dan, stop licking stairwells. It's gross," and, "you'll get sick," and, "if you hiss at me again, I'm going to subdue you with my taser." Well, your electro-shock therapy won't silence this stairwell-loving patriot, Mr. Pence. No, siree.

This week's stairwell is, yet again, on campus. This 4-floored beauty resides by the loading dock in the library building, and the echo is amazing. It's like a conversation with another person, I imagine. The taste was similar to my last-tongued stair, smooth and cold. It pairs exquisitely well with 4-day-old iced coffee and thoughts of self-doubt.

On the fourth floor is a painted face of a Gorgon/Medusa. I posted to Facebook a joke a couple of weeks ago that involved Gorgons and cheese that went over pretty well, but, true story, my roommate ended up with a kidney stone. I'm going to keep abusing my new superpower until a shirtless Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson appears before me. Hubba hubba.

As I attempted to exit the building, all eyes were on me. I knew they knew that I had just licked these stairs. I took their looks of disappointment as standing ovations and their middle fingers as a bouquet of roses. One day they'll understand that I do this for THEM. I lick stairs so you don't have to. And don't give me that, "Dan, society doesn't have to lick stairs now. We have evolved and our technology has advanced." You can take your Tomogachis and shove 'em up your ass. I follow WAC 296-155-477 (1)(m) To. The. Letter. Wake up, sheeple.

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