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Take 5 Gum | Urani-yum Blue Flavor

Impotent Products

You're eating a Take 5 bar. Chewing. Gnashing. Are you former 8-time NBA all star point guard Steve Nash? If so, you're probably Nashing.

And your teeth continue their mastication of chocolate, menthol, pretzel, caramel, and strangely vibrating peanuts.

The pretzel pieces break apart under your molars and become flour once again. The caramel bubbles and stretches as your jaw pries your infernal mouth apart. Your canines caress the oily chocolate unabashedly. Menthol pools in your saliva and creates a wintry blizzard in every inch of your maw. Your jaw begins shaking. But that might actually be from the peanuts, which are totally-if-not-mostly normal in nearly every way.

So put down your Geiger Counter and gear up for a second piece of gum because the first one has probably gotten stuck to the roof of your mouth, due to that caramel. But don't worry, with enough lashings from a tongue, you'll peel it off in no time. And then you'll have something to chew on while your second piece of gum gets lodged in the roof of your mouth.

All-the-while the Abominable Snowman is figuratively farting directly into your sinuses and halfway down your esophagus.

And it pretty much stays like that for the duration that it's in your mouth. If that sounds like something you would like, buy yourself a pack. Oh, also I think we may be soul mates. Or twins separated at birth. Either way, I would like to at least get to second base with you.

Purchase Take 5 Gum wherever teenage boys buy Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition Magazines and gummy worms for late night mastication.

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