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Serfs-to-Air Missiles

Impotent Products

Your country is at war. Your enemy has called in its fighter jets to bomb you and rip some tasteless doughnuts in your air space. How do you intend on stopping them? Jeff thinks himself a crack-shot and wagers he can 360-no-scope the pilot right out of the sky—he watched a video of someone doing just that while playing EA's Battlefield 3—and follow it up with some tasteful tea-bagging.

But Jeff can't hit a supersonic plane no more than he can hit a pipe of wacky tobaccy without dislodging his lungs. Enemy jets just eviscerated your dairy factory—the spouses and children of the workers killed will now starve to death or die tragically in the coming days after being sent into forced servitude to rebuild it—Daddy needs his feta.

But hold up—wait a minute—why not kill two birds with one stone? Oh, you're all out of stones, you say? Jesus, you must live in one of those "shithole countries" my Tang mascot-of-a-president loves to dunk on. Who doesn't have stones? Anyway, I think it's time you considered...

Serfs-to-Air Missiles!

Starvation is such an ugly look. Don't let your pitiful-but-aerodynamic peasants go to waste; stick 'em in a tube or a catapult and launch them at your aerial foes. Bundle a number of serfs together in some bed sheets to expand their radius and increase your accuracy. The family that flies together dies together. Hell, you could soak those bed sheets in gasoline and set it aflame to create something truly terrifying and irrepressible, at least, for those douches piloting the jets. Red rover, red rover, send the stuff of nightmares over.

Don't let your kingdom fall due to the outside world's narrow-minded definition of "inhumane." And remember: It's not genocide if your serfs' cause of death is from sudden impact with another country's property.

Serfs-to-Air-Missiles are sold wherever "getting high" means certain death.

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