Search

- May 21, 2019
- 1 min read

Quick Stare: Soap Co. Coffee House, Jacksonville, IL

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

Stairwell Aficionado

I asked for a Cafe Au Lait, and the barista lowered her head and bull-charged me through the wall and into Our Town Books next door. She looked down on my crumpled body in the mystery novels, put a pair of shades on, and whispered, "Matadors have to pay a cover charge."

This stairwell gets 4 Nancy Drew coffee grinder murder weapons out of 5.

Recent Posts

See All

Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls

Feb 5
1 min

Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help

"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."

28 views0 comments

Apr 12, 2020
3 min

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

357 views0 comments

Mar 20, 2020
2 min

Pliable Teaser: Coronavirus Edition

This digital interactive teaser puts players behind the eyes of a shopper endlessly perusing an aisle that's void of any toilet paper.

24 views0 comments

Feb 26, 2020
1 min

The Last Air Blender

It's the revolutionary kitchen gadget that Fire Lord Sozin doesn't want you to see!

73 views0 comments

Apr 4
1 min

Two Celebrities Who Did NOT Age Well

Where has the time gone? Where has my ample supply of cheese gone?

8 views0 comments

Mar 24
1 min

Lift With Your Legs

Safety first!

8 views0 comments

Mar 3
1 min

Life is a B

Sparky's life didn't quite go as planned. But he is still a pretty good boy.

1 view0 comments

Nov 8, 2022
1 min

Hunger Overruled

"The court sentences you to 200 hours of assembling pigs in a blanket."

7 views0 comments

Mar 6
1 min

Cunnilanguish | Medical Diagnosis

Treatment includes but is not limited to: Sighing loudly or making fart sounds with your mouth during foreplay

18 views0 comments

Aug 12, 2019
2 min

Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'

Impotent M.D. Are you or a loved one suffering from the hurtful connotations associated with eating an exorbitant amount of salad? It's...

24 views0 comments

Jul 30, 2019
1 min

Diagnosis: Kocher

"Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves? I've been called worse--today."

21 views0 comments

Jul 28, 2019
1 min

Diagnosis: Hellacopter

"My boy Zack is hella strong; I once saw him bench press a bench press that someone was actively using."

22 views0 comments

Mar 2, 2021
3 min

Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel

Was it a metaphor for our relationship? I don't know; I am way too drunk to psychoanalyze what she meant by "emotionally distant."

396 views0 comments

Apr 12, 2020
3 min

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

357 views0 comments

Feb 28, 2020
1 min

A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls

I was so happy to find some stairs that I didn't bother seeing the falls—I'd already fallen head-over-heels in love.

278 views0 comments

Jan 11, 2020
1 min

A Quick Stare: My Viola Floral Studio

They said I could be anything I set my mind to and work hard toward. So I became a stairwell aficionado.

46 views0 comments

Mar 21, 2020
1 min

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion—Vilena Donton's house | Stairwell Review

I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than these stairs.

78 views0 comments

Feb 29, 2020
1 min

Watch Dogs | Stairwell Review

Why watch dogs when you can watch stairwells?

36 views0 comments

Feb 28, 2020
1 min

Sniper Elite 4 | Stairwell Review

They told me I couldn't drive my car up a flight of wooden stairs. So I grabbed my kar and then drove its stock into that person's skull.

13 views0 comments

Feb 5, 2020
1 min

Breath of Fire 2: SimaFort | Stairwell Review

More like peepee of fire. Never wade through dank pond scum inside of a castle operated by toads.

75 views0 comments

Mar 24
2 min

Stuart Belittle

The moment The Littles make their decision to adopt him, Stuart berates his fellow orphans for having been picked-over for a mouse.

2 views0 comments

Mar 21
2 min

Flay's Hand Peeled Skin Chips

Skin chips are hand peeled & fried to dry, flaky perfection. Naturally salty, our crispy boys are sure to satisfy any cannibalistic cravings

14 views0 comments

Mar 20
2 min

Falanel | Flannel-Coated Falafel

Our employees painstakingly clothe magma-hot falafel in flannel, creating our trademark product: FALANEL

8 views0 comments

Mar 10
2 min

Nunyuns | Onion Flavored Halos

Relief instantly washes over you, as Nunyun holes are large and famously not tight. Sticking one's finger in a Nunyun gives no satisfaction.

5 views0 comments

Quick Stare: Soap Co. Coffee House, Jacksonville, IL

Recent Posts

Featured Posts

Recent Posts from Impotent Comics

Recent Posts from Impotent M.D.

Recent Posts from Stairwell Aficionado

Recent Posts From Gamer's Stairwell Aficionado

Recent Posts from Impotent Products

Real news, I swear