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Putin's Eggo Waffles | L'Eggo его Eggo

Impotent Products

Alright, so the joke here is that "его" in Russian means "his," and it's pronounced "yeh-goh." All three words of the notorious phrase now rhyme, see? Alright, let's begin.

Russian President Vladimir Putin wakes from slumber and immediately opens his eyes. A dry leaf outside just crunched underfoot. "Ninjas," he mutters in Russian. Quickly he leaps from his concrete mattress, at the same time pulling a razor sharp scimitar from its human leather scabbard. He races down the hallway and slides his bare ковбой (cowboy) ass down his mahogany stairway baluster, narrowly avoiding racking his dangling sputniks on the deadly ball top Newel post waiting at the bottom of the railing. He flips head over nuts and double-cartwheels to the kitchen.

While keeping his eyes on the windows, Vladi reaches one hand deep into his freezer—fingers digging deeper and deeper into the icy tundra; past the hearts and ass meat of journalists hunted for sport; past the Siberian polar bear meat fajitas; sitting next to a box of one hundred and thirteen Otter Pops is the bright yellow box sought after: Putin's Eggo.

A ninja bursts through the kitchen window and aims a kick at the naked President's head. Before the ninja can say, "boo-yah," they're hit with a frozen Eggo puck. The breakfast disc enters the torso and embeds itself in its host's left lung.

The ninja has failed, and it is no longer a "boo-yah" kind-of-moment.

"Privet," Putin says. "L'Eggo moi Eggo."

The ninja is speechless but manages to talk just fine. "W-what?"

"Bro—I mean—Komrade, L'Eggo его Eggo," Putin's clone/son says from the foyer.

The ninja coughs up thick red blood that trickles down their chin and finds quarter in a trench of the Eggo waffle. "Nani!?"

Putin loses his shit. "SAY 'WHAT' AGAIN, MOTHERFUCKER!"

Has this ever happened to you? Hi, I'm Joey Waffles-for-Hands Johnson, and I'm here today to tell you, L'Eggo его Eggo. They're his; not yours. Ladies, get yourself a man that looks at you like Putin looks at his breakfast—without blinking or enjoyment.

Putin's Eggo is sold exclusively to the President himself. But hmu if you want some—I know a guy.

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