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Kikkoman Bed Crumbs

Impotent Products

Always harvested from sheets with a thread count of 420 of higher. Panko. Now with more self-loathing.

"Oh my god. Did you eat the entire bag?"

How many times have you been asked that question in your life?

Hi, my name is Johannes Jonsonson, creative director behind Kikkoman's Bed Crumbs. If you're anything like me, or my ex-wife's secret Canadian lover, then you know about the magic that goes on in the bedroom.

I'm talking about CrUMbs on the bed sheet, of course. Jacques always had a thing for red hot wax candle-flavored Nilla Wafers. And Carla never cared to hide the evidence. So that was right about the time I bought a gun and thought to myself, 'There's a product idea here. How many other beds out there in the world are full of snack-ivorous, gluttonous adults and are ready to be picked clean of their ripened crumbs?'

So then I cleared off my desk a high-resolution blueprint of Jacques' log cabin in Saskatchewan, took a map highlighting all US states with legal marijuana, and overlayed it on a map of states that receive very little sunshine/Vitamin D.

And boom; I'd found my supplier: depressed Washington state residents, specifically in the Pacific Northwest. Even better still: I'd booked a last-minute flight up North via Air Canada. It was all coming together.

But who would buy such a product? Well, everyone and their casserole-baking mothers, that's who. It's Panko—the stuff you know and love—only now it's coming from a sustainable source (Vitamin D supplements and infinite coffee can only raise the PNWers' spirits so much, giving our company an endless amount of bready bits).

So go crazy tonight. I mean it. Open fire on your taste buds. Forget about counting calories—splash a little extra oil around. And toss a burning match toward a tastier tomorrow.

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