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GRuB, Olympia

Stairwell Aficionado

I came here for a short class on cooking soups. And luckily for me this hidden hardwood floor stairwell was waiting for me to get my face real close, gently blow on it, and slurp it down oh so delicately.

It would have to wait, though, as the class began with a very special guest--bearer of the title "Thurston County's Thiccest Jaw" and Retired City Manager Steve "The Hall Monitor" Hall swaggered into the building, stripped off all of his clothes (aside from his socks because idk), and climbed into a giant water-filled iron cauldron sitting atop a roaring fire.

So then the lady teaching the class encouraged us to start cutting up vegetables and letting them fall right into the water around the brazenly naked man before us. Some of us protested (others were really into it), but Steve "Enemy of Karen" Hall assured us that this was how he wanted to go--boiled until tender and fed to the new city manager, whenever they were hired.


"It's a long-held Olympia tradition. I ate Dick back in 2003," Steve "No Running In The" Hall told the class before chomping down on an uncannily phallic carrot. "Dick Cushing, that is: the City Manager before me. But back then everybody was all about Hawaiian themed everything, including him. So, following suit, the City Council constructed an oven within a hole, called an imu--the more you know--then Dick hopped in, we buried him alive, and I returned in a couple hours to unearth his supple, flaky body. Let me tell you, the Dick meat just fell right off the bone."

Ancient scriptures tell us that his jaw was forged from the tusk of the very last Woolly Mammoth

And so the class proceeded. We filled the watery space around Steve "The Jaw is Law" Hill with celery, carrots, onions, potatoes, etc. Then it came time to put the lid on. I don't remember what his final words were before he became entombed. All I can think about are the screams that followed.

This stairwell gets 3 bone marrow transplants completed using only his jaw out of 5.

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