Are you tired of laboring over a hot stove all day, cooking pasta pulled from a bag the old fashioned way? Forget that shit, you dumb asshole. Lower your standards a bit; sure, Ron three cubicles away rides a moped and has a receding hair line, but look at yourself--your lap is covered in cat hair a cheese puff dust. Accept reality. Time is running out to find someone who will put up with your bullshit.
So turn off the burner
Shake, shake, and spray
Italy's favorite pasta
On your plate today!
Available wherever thumb meets forefinger.