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9/10 Dentists Use Captain Crunch to Perform Gum Surgery
Impotent M.D. Modern technology can't compare to Quaker Oats' Captain Crunch pieces at slicing into the human mouth. Why use anything...
Feb 16, 2019
After Fatal Shootout FBI Reorders MySpace Top 10 Wanted List
The Impotent Satyr Despite the big change, Police admins are leaving the page nearly untouched, refusing to remove Muse's Starlight that...
Feb 13, 2019
Is RBG Dead? No--You Are
The Impotent Satyr The internet--mainly QAnon, guzzler of the biggest conspiracies the interwebs can conceive--has claimed that Supreme...
Feb 11, 2019
Musk Notices Hyperspace Jump Like Driving While Snowing
The Impotent Satyr "This is so cool," Tesla founder Elon Musk exclaimed while traversing through space at a speed faster than light....
Feb 8, 2019
Election Day: Fed Holiday? McConnell Despairs "Hovering" Bureaucrats
The Impotent Satyr While Democrats introduce the democracy-reform package: For the People Act (which would make Election Day a...
Jan 31, 2019
Betsy DeVos Breaks Pelvis, Hip Socket After Bike Crash
The Impotent Satyr The Education Secretary made public her bicycle accident and subsequent surgery last month that's left her in a...
Jan 17, 2019
"We Stop Global Warming if Entire World Does ALS Ice Bucket Challenge Simultaneously"
The Impotent Satyr Local wise man and marijuana dealer Justin Marzipan just might have solved the biggest threat facing Planet Earth, and...
Jan 16, 2019
NY Meteorologist Fired After Accidentally Using 13 Racial Slurs on Air
The Impotent Satyr It was an honest [series of] mistake[s] when Rochester meteorologist Jeremy Kappell reported on-air about the nearby...
Jan 8, 2019
Trump Compromises to Build Wall from Unpurchased Daddy's Home 2 DVDs
The Impotent Satyr Standing his ground on funding for the US/Mexico border wall, President Donald Trump offered a concession to Democrats...
Jan 6, 2019
Justice Ginsburg has Cancerous Growth and Bionicles Removed from Lung
The Impotent Satyr On Friday Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg underwent surgery to have a cancerous growth removed from her...
Dec 24, 2018
10 Mins into Jared/Ivanka Coitus, Onlooking Trump Offers Son-in-Law Chief of Staff Job
The Impotent Satyr Watching from a bedroom closet the night of December 12th, President Trump said very little while his daughter,...
Dec 14, 2018
Mike Pence Sedated While in Same Room as Female Nancy Pelosi
The Impotent Satyr December 11th Tuesday morning saw Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer, House Leader Nancy Pelosi, and Donald Trump...
Dec 11, 2018
Oly Mayor Selby Adjourns Council Meeting to Play 17 Straight Hours of Smash Bros.
The Impotent Satyr What began as a standard meeting on Thurston County's 911 communications radio system ended earlier than expected when...
Dec 9, 2018
WA Rep Jim Walsh: Started From the Bottom--Now We're Here With Everyone We Brought Down
The Impotent Satyr Washington's 19th Legislative district representative Jim Walsh was recently reelected to serve a second term at the...
Nov 17, 2018
Trump Skips WWI Cemetery Visit Due to Bone Spurs That Conveniently Haven't Hurt Since 1968
The Impotent Satyr President Trump flew to France over the weekend to meet with French President Emmanuel Macron and other world leaders...
Nov 11, 2018
Fired AG Jeff Sessions Drives Toward Sunset in Custom Little Tikes Cozy Coupe
The Impotent Satyr Vroom vroom #AttorneyGeneralJeffSessions #YoureFired
Nov 8, 2018
Agriculture Breakthrough! Men Told to 'Grow a Pair' now can in Comfort of Own Garden
The Impotent Satyr Local man Samuel Cornswallow had a long history of older males telling him to "man-up" and "grow a pair" when Samuel...
Nov 1, 2018
"If This Pipe Bomb was Real, Could I Do This?" Cries Lou Dobbs Before Sticking Up Own Ass
"See?" whispered Dobbs through gritted teeth, fighting back tears. "Fake bombs. Fake threats. Fake anal fissures." #LouDobbs...
Oct 26, 2018
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