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Betsy DeVos Breaks Pelvis, Hip Socket After Bike Crash

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

The Education Secretary made public her bicycle accident and subsequent surgery last month that's left her in a wheelchair temporarily.

"The wheelchair has its benefits, however," she says. Since appearing at schools in this condition, the kids have started calling her Professor X, which is quite the step up from kids pelting DeVos with everything from erasers to milk cartons to dodge balls. The students are now outfitting themselves like X-Men. One child has sharpened pencils strapped to the back of each hand, a couple kids have painted their skin blue, one girl has begun placing sanitizer in her hands and setting it aflame, another boy throws playing cards with surprisingly deadly accuracy, and the list of potential horrors goes on.

Betsy has welcomed this newfound adoration from the youth and is planning to open her own private school where her special students will train night and day to oppose the evil public schools and their minimal funding.

#BetsyDeVos #NapoleonDynamite

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