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"I Know the Details of Taxes Better Than Anybody," Says Grinning Trump, Holding Magic 8 Ball

Updated: Feb 28, 2020

The Impotent Satyr

President Donald Trump holds a magic 8-ball that says "404 error"
"404 ERROR? But that's my wedding vow. This thing is good."

In a December 28th interview with The New York Times President Trump unveiled the source of his knowledge of legislation that is far superior to "any president that's ever been in office." "You can't get something like this just anywhere," said the president, holding up the triangular dice-filled ball. "I searched the world for answers and finally found this artifact at the peak of Mt. Kilomanjaro, which I climbed without special equipment or training; I just used these great, normal-sized hands given to me by God." After peering at his reflection in the ball the president told the NY TIMES journalist "Go on, ask me anything." The journalist responded with "was Vladimir Putin involved with influencing our election?" Trump furiously shook the 8 ball and awaited the response. "ASK AGAIN LATER" appeared on the surface. "Looks like I've used up its power for now." As he went to place the orb back in a box it slipped from his fingers and crashed to the ground, cracking open and black liquid spurting all over the floor. "No!" screamed Trump as he fell to his hands and knees. "I must drink the liquid to gain its knowledge!" he cried out as he began slurping the black water between his lips. When the floor was finally dry Trump rose to his feet. "I'm not the same man you knew three minutes ago," he said right before keeling over in gut-wrenching agony. "It's rejecting its new host! Agh!"

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