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The Tuning Forklift

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So you're seventeen minutes into what's supposed to be Band Aid 38 (the supergroup of famous musicians making an album to raise money for Ukrainian refugees), and not a single mother fucker is hitting the same A note. Down at the bottom of the bleachers you've got Alicia Keys off-key, sustaining a B sharp because she can't hear herself over Kanye West yelling at the very top of his lungs about Pete Davidson being responsible for the Armenian genocide.

On the second row above them Morrisey, Sting, and Madonna are having a dick measuring contest and, rather coincidentally, are all arguing in the note of D.

Higher up the stands you see that Billy Corgan was a no-show but, fortunately, a microwave that beeps has been delivered to be his fill-in. The microwave beeps—a perfect A. Unfortunately, the microwave is not capable of emitting a note that is NOT in A. Still, it beats having Corgan's vocals on this song. Beside the microwave is Tom Waits whose singing sounds more percussive than anything resembling a note in an actual human's vocal range.

And above them Snoop Dog has gotten Linda Ronstadt and Kenny Rogers unbearably high via a bong disguised as a saxophone. You try and get their attention, but it's hopeless. Fortunately, Snoop Dog's laughs register as A sharps—close enough.


You Need


The Tuning Forklift allows you to tune your choir, no matter how high they might be.*

*Vertically high. The Tuning Forklift does not work against those high under the influence of marijuana. If anything, the reverberations from the tuning fork will lull those affected into a deeper transe-like state of incontinence.

I don't know if you noticed, but that tuning fork we welded onto the front of an old forklift is KINDA BIG. It's also really very super loud. A strike on the fork will reverberate a sound so oppressive that all your celebrity musicians will initiate a factory reset within themselves and then sing like they give a damn.

The Tuning Forklift is sold wherever Waldo is.

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