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Iceberg Careening Toward NY, Team of Alcoholics Assembled to Stop It

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

NASA scientists have witnessed an iceberg twice the size of New York City break off from the Brunt Ice Shelf in Antarctica and head toward Manhattan Island at a deadly 38 knots. New York is ready to defend itself, however, and they've done so by rounding up the thirstiest drunks the city has to offer. This team will intercept the berg and begin and continue a rager of a party, cutting into the frozen mass to make their iced mixed drinks and destroy it in the process.

These truly are brave Americans whose liv*ers have carried them to The Rum House on 47th and then to Rudy's on 9th, dragging their asses and intestines all the way to Bodega 88 on Columbus. New Yorkers have previously turned their noses at these loud, obnoxious citizens inhabiting their public pubs, but today they need those drunks like never before.

The alcoholics piled aboard a yacht which was christened by smashing a bottle of Grey Goose against the hull. Two passengers jumped overboard in an eager attempt to drink said vodka post-smash.

Update: The team was ferried to the iceberg, and we've received word that THEY'VE DONE IT! They successfully altered the direction of the berg to collide with North Korea. Two birds with one stone! Unfortunately, the shuttle is returning with one less person--a hardened father of a beautiful daughter has stayed behind, as there wasn't enough alcohol on-board the boat to sustain the entirety of the crew. America won't forget you.

*I don't want to close my eyes. I don't want to fall asleep 'cause I'd miss you, babe. And I don't want to miss a thing.

#ImpotentSatyr

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