The Impotent Satyr
Olympia, WA: Abundant Life Apostolic Church leaders convened early Saturday morning to discuss falling membership in recent years. Arriving half an hour late to the gathering, youth pastor Colby dropped his backpack on the floor and spent 53 seconds looking for a wall plug-in to charge his phone. The 24-year-old removed his knitted cap (but not his shades) and sat down at the table with the other members. Senior member Katherine Griffin asked him if he had thought of any ideas to bring in new members. Colby reached into his back pocket, removing a guitar pick, chap stick, and a crumpled piece of paper, which he unfurled on the table.
"Yeah, so like, we could remove those bumps on the hand rails leading down the front steps," Colby reportedly said.
Katherine reminded Colby that he'd brought that idea to the table multiple times before, and the church hadn't changed their minds on it and wasn't in favor of inviting skateboarders "doing sick grinds for Jesus" on their sanctuary.
"I can respect that," he said, nodding his head while reading his next idea. "Check this out. What if we take baptisms and, like, altered beast them into, you know, dabtisms," the 90s kid offered up. The other members of the congregation looked a bit confused at the suggestion and asked him to explain further. After his phone charged up to a meager 13% battery, Colby subtly complained about the lack of wifi in the building before turning on his data and loading up a YouTube video that showcased children and teens dabbing. "If you lean into this idea," Colby started to say while reading through a text message from 19-year-old Sara Brauer who'd been getting late-night bible-study lessons from the youth pastor, "I think we'll see some more participation from the kiddos."
The following day, a 2-week-old infant was brought before the congregation. Its wrists were lassoed with yarn, and Colby worked the baby's limbs like a marionette, as well as live-streaming the event on Facebook. Once the dab was achieved, water was poured across its head and everyone nervously celebrated. Colby felt a vibration in his pocket and checked his cracked-screen iPhone; a text from Sara revealed that she was pregnant. Colby turned to the head pastor and asked him about their "rules on abortion and stuff."