The Impotent Satyr
After being crowned "America's Favorite Fast-Food Restaurant", Chick-Fil-A will be dishing up male customers a wet and sloppy 'Thank You' over the next week. "All one needs to do," writes CEO Dan T. Cathy on Twitter, "is pick out an employee, choose a sandwich from the menu, and have a seat. Our team member will bring your food to you, fill their mouth with said food, and go to town."
Chick-fil-A's website is giving curious customers the low-down on a few tips and tricks.
"Not sure what sandwich to pick? Ask one of our hard-working employees what would work best for what you got goin' on down below deck. Do you like being put in the hot seat? Try our Spicy Deluxe, and ask for Margit (pronounce her name wrong to REALLY increase the tension).
"Would you like a substantial mess to clean up afterwards? Ask about the Smokehouse BBQ Bacon, and request Dontay. We guarantee you'll be finding barbecue sauce on your body for the next three days.
"Or are you tired of over-complicated food combinations and just want to get a plain chicken sandwich and some head? Order our original Chick-fil-A Chicken Sandwich. 89-year-old Doris, the default vessel, will shuffle out to greet you. Her unparalleled experience brings folks back to a simpler time. She'll also make you crymax (yes, a climax full of tears).
"And all options come with a side of fries to share with the table. It's wholesome fun for the entire family!
But what about the sanctity of keeping sex between a man and a woman within the confines of marriage? Cathy has it all covered. "After you pay for the forthcoming service, you'll be asked to sign a marriage certificate with our store manager. But DON'T WORRY, divorce papers will be waiting for you at the exit."
Seeing as the sexual act is available only to those with penises, vagina-sporting folks are feeling left out of this event. Luckily, Dan Cathy has something for everybody. "Sure, men are the God-given head of the household because women created original sin, but we are looking past that for the week AFTER this to celebrate humanity's only other gender. Ladies, you're getting your own week of "Sesame Bun-ilingus!" We'll have more details soon."
"And before I sign off Tweeter, I want to send a very special message out there straight from Heaven... GOD HATES FAGGOTS. YOU'LL ALL BURN IN HELL. Alright, thank you so much. God bless."