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Impotent Products

In-game peanut butter fills the cracks of the heart created by enemy missiles.

Epic Games has teamed up with Impotent Products to announce the latest update and crossover for their popular battle royale game, Fortnite. Epic hopes to capture a new audience, particularly those who have previously been critical of the game, refusing to play it because of the massive amount of young, annoying children commanding over microphone for their victims to uninstall the game and then uninstall themselves.


With this new mode, however, players get to roll about the land on a segway, citing tickets to the unruly children and giving timeouts without mercy. But players can fight back against the mall cops; all one needs to protect themself is a parent's credit card. Inputting the card's number incapacitates all Blarts in the area by lowering their blood sugar to deadly levels.


Blarts can acquire an air-drop care package full of candy if they, too, put in a valid credit card.


But players can thwart this by activating another payment to replace the candy's filling with razor blades! Ahahahaha!


Hold it right there! The Blarts won't be taken out so easily: With another payment, Blarts can learn the technical skill "Battle Blarts" and attach those razors to their segway, resulting in a fatal farce to be reckoned with. And with their body low on blood sugar, Blarts transfer their consciousness into the segway itself and leave their bloated human frame behind.


With one more payment, players can turn the tables against their new mechanical enemies by buying the ownership of an Epic Games intern who will then travel to the nearest Blart and set fire to themself and the Blart's house.


The Blart's only hope is to make their own payment before the intern arrives, purchasing a separate Epic Games intern to murder the first using any and all office supplies available to them.


Game sold wherever the quickest way to a boy's heart is through a micro-transaction.


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