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New Misguided Gun Control Legislation Bans Candy-Flavored Bullets

The Impotent Satyr

"I think we've saved some young lives here today with this new policy," said White House Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham. "We had to double-check the Constitution to make sure there were no amendments upholding a citizen's right to bear churros & ice cream e-bullets, and it turns out the Founding Fathers didn't feel strongly about vaping."


The Trump Administration is attempting rather badly to answer the outcry of frustration from those tired of a lack of gun control legislation. That outcry of concern grew to frustration when, only after 6 deaths (compared to the steadily growing number of US citizens killed by firearms and no legislation to stop it any time soon), the federal government decided to crack down on candy-flavored vape juice.


"Our administration is very aware that teens are drawn to weapons when they're full of enticing e-juice flavors like Meteor Milk Space Jam hollow points and Banana Fryd shotgun slugs which are totally real and are not things we just made up to avoid jeopardizing our steady cash flow from the NRA," Secretary of Health and Human Services Alex Azar told reporters. "And the reason that sick bastard in Las Vegas was able to gun down all those concert-goers wasn't because of some non-issue bump stock, it was because he was getting a whiff of Carnival Cali Steam with each round fired, instilling in him a dangerous and effectively fragrant nicotine rush."


"Back in my day, we didn't have to worry about going to school, wondering if the last thing we'd smell would be Pancake Ghost Vapor," said NRA spokesperson Emily Unbux in a written statement. "We didn't get shot period. In fact, gun violence didn't happen until e-juiced bullets started popping up in our towns, spreading through the school system and ending up in our children's AR-15 (fyi we're having a back-to-school sale of AR-15s for the kiddos at www.nra.org/ar-15/crayons-out-colts-out) magazines. These flavored bullets then caused our nation's first case of gun violence--that's a fact. So it should go without saying that the passing of this policy will certainly put an end to all firearm-related deaths."


[Editor's note] The fast response from the Trump administration dealing with e-juice related deaths isn't a bad thing, in fact it's a welcome answer. But one has to imagine the possibilities from someone in a seat of power who doesn't take your guns away but stands upright, pockets free of NRA donations, and passes legislation to keeps guns out of hands that should not hold them.

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