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Man Cooperates w/ Mueller to Erase Past Jaywalking Charges

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Local jaywalker cooperating with Special Council Robert Mueller's investigation

Special Counsel Robert Mueller has found yet another guilty individual to reveal what he knows about Russia's involvement with the 2016 U.S. elections. After he was released the man talked with reporters outside. Here's what he had to say:

"Everybody else was doing it, crossing the street wherever. So I followed suit and wouldn't you know it a cop sees me. The shmuck writes me a ticket then and there.

"Next day, people are jaywalking all around me. I'm looking both ways for cops, none in sight. So I start crossing the street when BAM! An off duty cop JAYWALKING BESIDE ME shows me his badge and writes me a ticket. Afterwards I'm turning around, looking for some kind of "kick me" sign on my back. Like, who the f**k has it out for me?

"Then the following day, I s**t you not, there is a baby hanging off the balcony on maybe the 9th floor of some apartments across the street from me. I do what any person would do in this situation and race across the street. I look up and see that baby hanging on by only two chubby little fingers. I'm right under that baby as it drops down and hits a balcony railing, down again and slams into another railing, down some more and hits a Michael Jackson impersonator dangling their own child from their balcony, down some more and right into my arms. "Gotcha," says I with a big smile. The little guy looks up at me, surprisingly undamaged.

"Then out of nowhere five cops descend upon me, shouting, "put down the baby, you jaywalking pedophile!" So I drop the kid--it dies immediately upon impact with the pavement. The cops barely take notice of the now-lifeless toddler and shove me across the street to a patrol car and add yet another jaywalking charge to my record.

"So that's why I'm cooperating with Mueller's investigation."

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