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Cory Booker Unearths Ancient Media Prophesying His Presidential Win

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Deep in the uncharted territory below the cushions of Cory Booker's living room couch the New Jersey senator's TV remote had fallen. This fact was unknown to Booker as he sat down with a bowl of Polio O's, ready to stream a show. But of course, as his butt pressed against the furniture his television scrambled around and landed on 2007 Disney Channel sitcom Cory in the House.

Booker rationalized this strange sight, thinking back on how The Simpsons predicted the Trump presidency. This time it would be his turn. Immediately he booted up the first episode. To his dismay, Booker saw that his television "counterpart" was no president at all--young Cory's father is the personal chef to The President, with Cory Baxter tagging along for the ride.

Undeterred, Booker binged the entire 34 episodes to see if the money-hungry Cory Baxter ever becomes President but, alas, it was not to be.

Booker looked at the clock; it was 6 a.m. and he was no closer to becoming President of the United States.

And then the phone rang.

He let it ring thrice before answering a meager "hello" into the receiver. The voice on the other line robotically told him that his medication to prevent fingernails from growing over his eyes was ready for pick-up.

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