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Heir Fryer | The Answer to Problematic Progeny

Impotent Products

Don't want your next-in-line to take over the throne when you die? From the makers of Serfs-to-Air-Missiles comes the next big product for his Majesty.


—Presenting—


the HEIR FRYER


Simply lure your undeserving-to-be-king son into the Heir Fryer's glass chamber. This can be done by kidnapping a local fair maiden and sticking her in the Heir Fryer first. Your offspring will see the female when he approaches. At this point, his eyes may spring forth from their sockets; his body may lift from the ground a few inches; without control of his faculties he may shout any of the following: "Awooga," "Yowza," or even "Hubba Hubba."


Once your unwanted progeny has entered the chamber (in the hopes of getting his freak on), quickly shut the door behind him and release the flames!

*maiden will not survive the fire, but you can claim she was a witch and seemingly kill two birds with one stone.


The Heir Fryer is guaranteed to burn your son and/or daughter to a level of charcoal crisp that NO ONE wants to touch with a ten-foot pole, let alone marry.


Cleaning Instructions: Although no one may WANT to, warranty is void if anything other than a ten-foot pole is used to clean out Heir Fryer.

*ten-foot pole not included.


Four months later, when the stench of molten corpse has finally ceased permeation, you can rest easy knowing your bloodline is safe; Safe from an heir who can't even dual wield sceptres and look badass doing so.


Purchase the Heir Fryer wherever crowns are worn slightly askew.


And don't forget to check out Serfs-to-Air-Missiles for all your problems involving overpopulated peasants and invading kingdoms!


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