"What a waste of a perfectly good beer-fetcher."

Nathaniel Jones didn't write those quotes about himself. He is very popular. And, like Kim Jong-il, he golfed a perfect game then retired.

"Cheryl is every mayor in Thurston county." -Senator Sam Hunt

The council must pull themselves up by their boot straps instead of relying on their feeble velcro (wasted tax-payer dollars) to save them.

"I would be honored to serve with Helen Wheatley in the impending boat genocide. Together we can return the Port to the people." -E. J. Zita

"I walked into Mr. Nelson's office and found him rubbing his chin on a Coaster memory foam mattress!"

"The officers involved reported that the individual was trapped inside of an invisible glass box."

"I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up asbestos; I don't know how I'm supposed to use this to clean up anything."

"Do you remember Kurds in the boat with George Washington when he crossed the Delaware? I don't remember Kurd in the boat with George."

Shen breathed heavily and mightily into the flimsy audio receptacle. "I am altering the deal. Pray I don't alter it any further."

"He's a Nickelodeon guy through and through," another source tells me.

"You should also be getting hints of Tian Shan mountain range gravel," the barista sold, touching her thumbs to fingers, pedaling her hands.

"I feel the bulging sensation of an expletive coming down the pipeline!"

When I found that unidentifiable liquid in the back of the refrigerator and worked it into the special of the day called The Cold Case Vial

"I can make a rock," piped up Tom Rieger, holding a fist in the air.

We have seven gurneys surrounding the wooden hut and staff that have taken and passed a one-hour online course certifying them in I.V. use.

"It's worse than we thought," said Chief of Police Ronnie Roberts. "They're playing unsupervised non-regulation Yu-gi-oh card tournaments."

We double-checked the Constitution to make sure there were no amendments upholding a citizen's right to bear churros & ice cream e-bullets.