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PEZhaluysta (Made in Russia)

Impotent Products

Putin's least uttered word: PLEASE. You think he asked nicely before sacking Crimea? Nyet. He said, "Cry-me-a river, jerkwads," and galloped back to Moscow, shirtless and stoic on his trusty steed or on some mule that he seized from a lowly farmer.

For the rest of you zhenskii's and muzhskoi's, you may have to ask for permission once or twice throughout your life. Finding it difficult? Well suffer no longer!

Introducing...PEZhaluysta! The only candy that asks for consent before lodging itself into your throat.

Pull back the head of your PEZ dispenser of choice, comrade. Then present the inner candy to your loved one in lieu of you having to actually use your words. Will they say yes? Will they slap you across the face? As someone who has been slapped across the face so many times that a fetish for that very thing developed within, I can tell you that this candy does the trick and pleases me as much as the Vietnamese masseuse who gives me a happy ending by beating the piss out of me with hot stones—AND AT ONLY A FRACTION OF THE RUBLES!

What are you waiting for? Crack open a chalky one with the malchikov.

PEZhaluysta is sold wherever the energy from Putin's frowns is harvested and powers a device that kicks a puppy and then sets it on fire.

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