Search

Marlin & Me

Sep 9, 20191 min read

Updated: Feb 12, 2020

Impotent Products

DVD case. Wowen Wilson. Jennifer Afghaniston. Picture of Steve Buscemi with Owen Wilson's hair. Picture of Jennifer Aniston inside the country of Afghanistan. Big ol' Marlin below them. "I'm hooked," says Watching Fish Slowly Suffocate Magazine. — "I regret making this."

Newlyweds John and Jenny Grogan leave behind snowy Michigan and move to the Atlantic Ocean, where they buy their first home and find jobs at competing Gamestops. Soon afterward, the Grogans adopt Marlin, an adorable 1800 pound Atlantic blue marlin. But Marlin soon grows up to be a mischievous handful. Still, even while he's destroying the used XBox games display and impaling potential customers, he always manages to bring out the best in John, Jenny and the crew of hungry Japanese whalers pursuing them to the ends of the Earth.

Sold wherever Owen Wilson's "Wow" is no longer a commodity and is rationed in post-apocalyptic war-torn America.

Comments

Feb 5, 20241 min read

Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help

"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."

30 views0 comments

Apr 12, 20203 min read

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

365 views0 comments

Mar 20, 20202 min read

Pliable Teaser: Coronavirus Edition

This digital interactive teaser puts players behind the eyes of a shopper endlessly perusing an aisle that's void of any toilet paper.

24 views0 comments

Feb 26, 20201 min read

The Last Air Blender

It's the revolutionary kitchen gadget that Fire Lord Sozin doesn't want you to see!

79 views0 comments

Jan 28, 20201 min read

The Law Office of Ace Bandit & Bandit

If you or a loved one has been on the receiving end of an unwelcomed boop, you may be entitled to a large tennis ball settlement.

159 views0 comments

Jan 11, 20201 min read

Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic

"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"

55 views0 comments

Jan 2, 20201 min read

Hydra Flask

Put on those water wings, because it's time to WET YOUR WHISTLE with the new Hydra Flask!

67 views0 comments

Dec 4, 20192 min read

Phil Collins Doesn't Remember Acting in Waterworld, and I'm Not Surprised

Genesis front man Phil Collins doesn't remember acting in the 1995 movie Waterworld, and I think that's the least of his problems.

190 views0 comments

Apr 4, 20241 min read

Two Celebrities Who Did NOT Age Well

Where has the time gone? Where has my ample supply of cheese gone?

11 views0 comments

Mar 24, 20241 min read

Lift With Your Legs

Safety first!

9 views0 comments

Mar 3, 20241 min read

Life is a B

Sparky's life didn't quite go as planned. But he is still a pretty good boy.

3 views0 comments

Nov 8, 20221 min read

Hunger Overruled

"The court sentences you to 200 hours of assembling pigs in a blanket."

9 views0 comments

Mar 6, 20241 min read

Cunnilanguish | Medical Diagnosis

Treatment includes but is not limited to: Sighing loudly or making fart sounds with your mouth during foreplay

20 views0 comments

Aug 12, 20192 min read

Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'

Impotent M.D. Are you or a loved one suffering from the hurtful connotations associated with eating an exorbitant amount of salad? It's...

39 views0 comments

Jul 30, 20191 min read

Diagnosis: Kocher

"Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves? I've been called worse--today."

22 views0 comments

Jul 28, 20191 min read

Diagnosis: Hellacopter

"My boy Zack is hella strong; I once saw him bench press a bench press that someone was actively using."

23 views0 comments

Oct 26, 20243 min read

The Evergreen State College | SEM II Building

This just happens to be my favorite place on campus to play guitar and make unsettling screeching noises.

414 views0 comments

Mar 2, 20213 min read

Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel

Was it a metaphor for our relationship? I don't know; I am way too drunk to psychoanalyze what she meant by "emotionally distant."

403 views0 comments

Apr 12, 20203 min read

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.

365 views0 comments

Feb 28, 20201 min read

A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls

I was so happy to find some stairs that I didn't bother seeing the falls—I'd already fallen head-over-heels in love.

281 views0 comments

Mar 21, 20201 min read

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion—Vilena Donton's house | Stairwell Review

I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than these stairs.

77 views0 comments

Feb 29, 20201 min read

Watch Dogs | Stairwell Review

Why watch dogs when you can watch stairwells?

38 views0 comments

Feb 28, 20201 min read

Sniper Elite 4 | Stairwell Review

They told me I couldn't drive my car up a flight of wooden stairs. So I grabbed my kar and then drove its stock into that person's skull.

14 views0 comments

Feb 5, 20201 min read

Breath of Fire 2: SimaFort | Stairwell Review

More like peepee of fire. Never wade through dank pond scum inside of a castle operated by toads.

103 views0 comments

Apr 27, 20242 min read

Kingdong Hards for PlayStation 2

Donald, Goofy, and Sora fight the hordes of Hardless, thrusting and busting evil Dicney villains who use The Hardless like pawns.

6 views0 comments

Mar 24, 20242 min read

Stuart Belittle

The moment The Littles make their decision to adopt him, Stuart berates his fellow orphans for having been picked-over for a mouse.

9 views0 comments

Mar 21, 20242 min read

Flay's Hand Peeled Skin Chips

Skin chips are hand peeled & fried to dry, flaky perfection. Naturally salty, our crispy boys are sure to satisfy any cannibalistic cravings

18 views0 comments

Mar 20, 20242 min read

Falanel | Flannel-Coated Falafel

Our employees painstakingly clothe magma-hot falafel in flannel, creating our trademark product: FALANEL

12 views0 comments

Marlin & Me

Recent Posts

Comments

Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

Pliable Teaser: Coronavirus Edition

The Last Air Blender

The Law Office of Ace Bandit & Bandit

Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic

Hydra Flask

Phil Collins Doesn't Remember Acting in Waterworld, and I'm Not Surprised

Featured Posts

Recent Posts from Impotent Comics

Two Celebrities Who Did NOT Age Well

Lift With Your Legs

Life is a B

Hunger Overruled

Recent Posts from Impotent M.D.

Cunnilanguish | Medical Diagnosis

Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'

Diagnosis: Kocher

Diagnosis: Hellacopter

The Evergreen State College | SEM II Building

Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel

A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building

A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls

Recent Posts from Stairwell Aficionado

The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion—Vilena Donton's house | Stairwell Review

Watch Dogs | Stairwell Review

Sniper Elite 4 | Stairwell Review

Breath of Fire 2: SimaFort | Stairwell Review

Recent Posts From Gamer's Stairwell Aficionado

Kingdong Hards for PlayStation 2

Stuart Belittle

Flay's Hand Peeled Skin Chips

Falanel | Flannel-Coated Falafel

Recent Posts from Impotent Products

Real news, I swear