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Hand Sanitaser

Impotent Products

What a time to be alive and participating in the government's agenda for the American people to apply heavy amounts of testicle-dissolving sanitizer to your hands. Yeah, that's what this whole thing is about—Uncle Sam wants to erode your nutsack and get you hooked on Big Pharma's Gonad Re-Growing suppositories. And then our balls will balloon to at least three times as large as before; All of this so that our offspring may be born with tremendous testes and shake them in the face of every other country. No thanks, you red-white-and-blue son-of-a-bitch.

That's why I've made the Hand Sanitaser. It kills the germs on your hands without letting Johnny USA into your home so he can molest your wallet and sell smack and skateboards to your kids.

Hand Sanitaser is proven to kill germs with the power of the almighty Zeus, leaving only minor residual damage. But hey, you can't fry a godly omelet without breaking a few nervous system pathways am I right?

The Hand Sanitaser is motion-activated and indiscriminate.

The product has been extensively, thoroughly tested. My hands have been germ-free since the second week of April, you can be sure of that. And okay, so I've temporarily lost the ability to lift my arms, but that just means that I haven't touched a single doorknob in three weeks, so how's that for CDC "guidelines"? And you know what? If COVID really is on either of my hands, I sure as hell can't feel it. Nor can I feel the embrace of my two sons, Randy and Tandy. But...that's unrelated to the taser—my ex wife took them and my snorkeling gear. So I poked holes in the snorkel tube. I hope that vile demon drowns.

Operator Warning: Keep movement around device slow and to a minimum or it may feel threatened and dispense excessive voltage. Product runs on 6 D Cells with a battery life of 9 to 33 minutes.

Purchase Hand Sanitaser wherever toddler fingers have easy access to wall sockets.

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