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Frank's Red Hot

Impotent Products

Franklin Turtle looks a bit angry on the wrapper of a bottle of Frank's Red Hot. He has a mustache and goatee, and his ascot is torn. The Pizza Underground is in the background.
"I put that s**t on everyone! Consenually, of course. But it wasn't always that way..."

Child actors have it rough; they're forced to come out of their shell at an early age and expected to take their large sums of money and live happily ever after once their time in the lime light is at an end and Jeffrey Epstein wants nothing to do with their post-pubescent body. How do you think it feels to have the world recognize you for a movie series your snot-nosed fresh-off-the-beach self did at the age of eight but not commend you for your present day pizza-centered musical act that you've put countless marinara-cooking hours into? It hurts.

That's why Impotent Products has teamed up with Frank Turtle to create Frank's Red Hot: a hot sauce for those who've emerged from Hollywood a very different gastropiate-dependent animal than they entered.

Frank's testimony:

"After the film and book industry cast me out and took my shell (which I apparently didn't even own--even though I was born in it), I did anything to appear in the media and get my fix in front of a camera. I ended up railing a line of powdered snail shell, backflipping off my yacht, jamming an aimlessly floating plastic straw into my nose, and swimming toward some kayakers who filmed themselves removing the refuse. For a while, the pity from the internet kept my ascot nice and tight. But after plastic surgeons told me they couldn't fix my permanently damaged nasal passage, and then the yacht caught fire and killed my gaggle of prostitutes (fowl play was never determined), it soon became clear I'd hit rock bottom."

Don't be like Frank. Buy yourself some hot sauce that puts the fire back in your step and not in your urine.

Sold wherever children's hard cover books are used to straighten a life--not a line.

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