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Filbert of the Future

Updated: Feb 28

Impotent Products

Help Filbert as he returns to the past to save humanity from the rising threat of rogue Disney Channel stars. Team up with Lizzie McGuire to stop the Jonas Brothers from exploiting Raven Baxter's psychic powers to transform the skin of every single human into a dry husk resembling hazelnuts.


Unique Lathering Controls: Lather yourself in Nutella and face-off against Cory in the House after he uses executive privilege to murder your family in cold blood, leaving green slime behind at the crime scene to frame Nickelodeon.


Detective Skills: Deduce mysteries, lathering your body with pastes found at crime scenes to become intimate with your enemy.


Armour System: Use futuristic gadgets to lather yourself in different fluids/gels like yogurt, liquefied meat, printer ink, glue, motor oil, human remains, and more!


Team Up: Fight alongside Louis and Ren Stevens, lathering your pre-pubescent bodies in gasoline to then self-immolate on the doorstep of Zack and Cody's suite.


Mini-Games: Enjoy a Pong rip-off that you can play with one hand, leaving your other hand free to lather your real life self up with chia pudding or garden soil!



Sold wherever it rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again.

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