Impotent Products
Have you ever wanted to smell like Simon and Garfunkel's 1966 album Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Thyme? Well now you can! Sold wherever visions softly creep.
Simon and Garfunkel's "The Smell of Silence"
Updated: Jul 19, 2019
top of page
On kindle and paperback
Search
Feb 5, 20241 min read
Embarrassed Coworker Caught on Fly Trap Chooses Death Over Asking for Help
"Believe it or not, while hanging from this adhesive tape covered in dead flies, I've found God. And She has a proboscis."
30 views0 comments
Apr 12, 20203 min read
A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building
it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.
365 views0 comments
Mar 20, 20202 min read
Pliable Teaser: Coronavirus Edition
This digital interactive teaser puts players behind the eyes of a shopper endlessly perusing an aisle that's void of any toilet paper.
24 views0 comments
Feb 26, 20201 min read
The Last Air Blender
It's the revolutionary kitchen gadget that Fire Lord Sozin doesn't want you to see!
79 views0 comments
Jan 28, 20201 min read
The Law Office of Ace Bandit & Bandit
If you or a loved one has been on the receiving end of an unwelcomed boop, you may be entitled to a large tennis ball settlement.
159 views0 comments
Jan 11, 20201 min read
Report: Cutting Board Still Smells Like Garlic
"But surely the odor won't latch onto this apple that I'm about to cut up, right?"
55 views0 comments
Jan 2, 20201 min read
Hydra Flask
Put on those water wings, because it's time to WET YOUR WHISTLE with the new Hydra Flask!
67 views0 comments
Dec 4, 20192 min read
Phil Collins Doesn't Remember Acting in Waterworld, and I'm Not Surprised
Genesis front man Phil Collins doesn't remember acting in the 1995 movie Waterworld, and I think that's the least of his problems.
190 views0 comments
Featured Posts
Recent Posts from Impotent Comics
Apr 4, 20241 min read
Two Celebrities Who Did NOT Age Well
Where has the time gone? Where has my ample supply of cheese gone?
11 views0 comments
Mar 3, 20241 min read
Life is a B
Sparky's life didn't quite go as planned. But he is still a pretty good boy.
3 views0 comments
Nov 8, 20221 min read
Hunger Overruled
"The court sentences you to 200 hours of assembling pigs in a blanket."
9 views0 comments
Recent Posts from Impotent M.D.
Mar 6, 20241 min read
Cunnilanguish | Medical Diagnosis
Treatment includes but is not limited to: Sighing loudly or making fart sounds with your mouth during foreplay
20 views0 comments
Aug 12, 20192 min read
Diagnosis: 'Running With Caesars'
Impotent M.D. Are you or a loved one suffering from the hurtful connotations associated with eating an exorbitant amount of salad? It's...
39 views0 comments
Jul 30, 20191 min read
Diagnosis: Kocher
"Gypsys, Tramps, and Thieves? I've been called worse--today."
22 views0 comments
Jul 28, 20191 min read
Diagnosis: Hellacopter
"My boy Zack is hella strong; I once saw him bench press a bench press that someone was actively using."
23 views0 comments
Oct 26, 20243 min read
The Evergreen State College | SEM II Building
This just happens to be my favorite place on campus to play guitar and make unsettling screeching noises.
414 views0 comments
Mar 2, 20213 min read
Red Lion Inn/Governor's Hotel
Was it a metaphor for our relationship? I don't know; I am way too drunk to psychoanalyze what she meant by "emotionally distant."
403 views0 comments
Apr 12, 20203 min read
A Quarantined Stare: My Apartment Building
it's a pretty standard apartment building stairwell, kind of like this Charles Shaw Red Blend I'm drinking straight from the bottle.
365 views0 comments
Feb 28, 20201 min read
A Quick Stare: Tumwater Falls
I was so happy to find some stairs that I didn't bother seeing the falls—I'd already fallen head-over-heels in love.
281 views0 comments
Recent Posts from Stairwell Aficionado
Mar 21, 20201 min read
The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion—Vilena Donton's house | Stairwell Review
I've fought mudcrabs more fearsome than these stairs.
77 views0 comments
Feb 29, 20201 min read
Watch Dogs | Stairwell Review
Why watch dogs when you can watch stairwells?
38 views0 comments
Feb 28, 20201 min read
Sniper Elite 4 | Stairwell Review
They told me I couldn't drive my car up a flight of wooden stairs. So I grabbed my kar and then drove its stock into that person's skull.
14 views0 comments
Feb 5, 20201 min read
Breath of Fire 2: SimaFort | Stairwell Review
More like peepee of fire. Never wade through dank pond scum inside of a castle operated by toads.
103 views0 comments
Recent Posts From Gamer's Stairwell Aficionado
Apr 27, 20242 min read
Kingdong Hards for PlayStation 2
Donald, Goofy, and Sora fight the hordes of Hardless, thrusting and busting evil Dicney villains who use The Hardless like pawns.
6 views0 comments
Mar 24, 20242 min read
Stuart Belittle
The moment The Littles make their decision to adopt him, Stuart berates his fellow orphans for having been picked-over for a mouse.
9 views0 comments
Mar 21, 20242 min read
Flay's Hand Peeled Skin Chips
Skin chips are hand peeled & fried to dry, flaky perfection. Naturally salty, our crispy boys are sure to satisfy any cannibalistic cravings
18 views0 comments
Mar 20, 20242 min read
Falanel | Flannel-Coated Falafel
Our employees painstakingly clothe magma-hot falafel in flannel, creating our trademark product: FALANEL
12 views0 comments
Recent Posts from Impotent Products
bottom of page