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Risk Iced Tea

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"Oh? You want to start with Australia? Boy, you about to get an ass-whoopin' down under."

It's a Saturday night at home.

You're grades have been nothing but A's; you've been excelling in sports; you're lead violin in band--you're utterly perfect, and it has caused your father to store-in all this pent-up aggression with no outlet.

But then your mother returns from grocery shopping, and she pulls out a

12 PACK OF RISK ICED TEA!!! OH FUCK YES

Your dad takes a can. You hear the hiss of the pressure being released as he opens it and takes a big gulp. You and the rest of your family grab their own cans and follow suit.

Before you can heat up the oven to cook a frozen DiGiorno pizza disc, your dad gets in your personal space and pushes you around.

Your mother yells for him to stop, just so the two of them can team up on your younger brother. And now here come the waterworks--little Dorian runs to his room and leaves the three of you.

You get up to preheat the oven. Your dad takes the opportunity to sneak up on you from behind, but THE JOKE'S ON HIM because you're waiting with a steak knife you used to cut the plastic wrap.

You stab him in the gut. He stumbles and looks over at his wife crunching her empty can of Risk and grabbing a fire poker to join in on her son's patricide.

You slurp down that cool, refreshing Risk Iced Tea while nonchalantly stabbing your father to death.

But now it's just mother and son. She brandishes the fire poker at your face and charges.

"Fool," you whisper, opening the oven right before her arrival. She tumbles right in, and you slide that frozen piece of shit DiGiorno onto the rack right above her panicked face.

You slam shut the oven door and block out the agonizingly shrill shrieks for the next twelve minutes by sipping extra loudly on your Risk Iced Tea.


No one needs to go through the hassle of setting up a board, stacking cards, and choosing game pieces to have a fight night at home with your family. Just grab yourself and your loved ones a Risk Iced Tea.


Sold wherever dads go to for cigarettes.

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