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July | Grab Yourself a Fifth

Impotent Products

"What happened last night? I remember explosions of light in the sky...and I had shots of something on fire...and then I was on fire? Did I drive the truck onto the roof again? How is that even possible, and why can't I do it when I'm sober? Alright, guess I'll start drinking then." -Brad Crabperson, MI

Grab yourself a fifth of July wherever shop keepers sell cigarettes to literal babies, like the ones from Boss Baby that can talk and act all normal and fool gas station attendants with a fake ID, or something. You know, my cousin Charles had a fake ID once. And then he died. Yeah, he couldn't take the pressure of being two people, so he jumped into a wood chipper. Where was I? Buy our product!

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