Welcome to Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dabs. I mean—Welcome to Stoners, Drive-Ins and Dives. Wait... Diners, Smoke-Outs, and... Wow. That Guy-Burst hit me a bit hard. My stomach is gurgling something fierce.
*Guy doubles over in pain*
Oh Sweet Baby Rays this hurts. It feels like I swallowed a live hedgehog. It's like my esophagus is a window curtain, and that blue candy I swallowed was Garfield. Fuck me—I hate Mondays. On today's episode we're going to be looking at our hands.
[voice over PA system tells Guy to continue with the commercial]
Have you ever noticed how your arm hairs have spiked tips? And your arm pit hairs, too? And your eye lids? Hold up—why aren't your hairs spiked tipped?
[voice commands Guy to read the next line]
Okay, well. On today's episode... *Guy gulps* ...I'm not saying that.
[voice threatens to burn a grease-stained Hawaiian shirt]
Stop! I'll say it! I'll say it; just put the kerosene down. *Guy sweats profusely, every pore on his face shimmering from perspiration...and fear* On today's fun-filled episode... we're headed to—ack! *Guy digs his fingers into his bulging stomach and wretches violently* What was in that candy?! I've never been so betrayed by spiked tips. *Bright cyan beams of ethereal light shoot forth from Guy's open eyes*
[say the line, Guy]
On today's episode we're headed to *Guy's voice wavers as the beams of light get ever brighter*
*a third beam of light protrudes from Guy Fieri's agape mouth and, with the other beams, grows brighter and brighter and brighter. Guy's entire body shakes and emanates with a ghostly luminescence until at last he erupts in an explosion of bacon grease and bleach, leaving only a flame pattern button-up shirt resting on the floor.
[are you ready to take the journey to flavor town?]
*the reader nods their head 'yes'*
Purchase Guy-Burst Hair Gel-Infused Candies in the section of the weed store where the budtender is eating hair by the handful, not realizing that it's non-infused. Silly budtender.