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Back to School: Colt Teaches Public New Firearms Features

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Colt Manufacturing LLC just dropped a load of information about newly designed rifles for sale in the public sector. The company is rewriting the book on what the 2nd amendment defines (or lacks to define due to unforeseen advancements in technology) as "Arms" as well as a "well regulated militia." Their investment in the growth of [the American economy] will touch the hearts of young Americans like never before.

Preface: our rifles are used strictly for self-defense and hunting purposes only.

Imagine this scenario: You're hunting small game, such as young feral goats. You see one you'd like to kill, but a bigger animal is covering it with itself, effectively shielding it from you. With the high price of ammunition, you don't want to take multiple shots at those two; you'd like to take a single shot with the confidence that the kid is going to die--the young goat, that is.

For this situation we are recommending the M4 Carbine Magpul SL with a hammer that kicks like a Fat Man, and a front grip as stiff as the Enola Gay pilot's shaft.

With our new Colt Advanced Piston Carbine you can throw that old fishing pole into the Pacific Ocean Garbage Patch, as it's designed to fire underwater. Simply load it as you would any other firearm, walk into a school--a school of fish, that is--and watch as the bodies go belly-up with a single pull of the trigger.

Is there a barricaded door you need to get through? Doors: always barricading themselves when you're not looking. Try using our Modular Carbine to reduce that door (and any one thing behind it) to dilapidation in seconds.

The accuracy of the Enhanced Patrol Rifle will make sure you never miss your mark. You'll leave the others around you in the dust as you shoot to the top of the class--the gun safety class, that is.

An earlier draft of this report stated "Their investment in the growth of their Scrooge McDuck money vault will touch the hearts of young Americans..." This has now been fixed to better represent Colt's intended public image.

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