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Wacky Race to the White House Part 1: Democracy and Ranch

Updated: Jul 19, 2019

The Impotent Satyr

Welcome one and all to the Wacky Race to the White House! Let's check in with our drivers.

Kamala Harris and Elizabeth Warren are out in front with Joe Biden not far behind them, reaching out to rub their shoulders. Pete Butigieg is getting bumped into and pushed all over the track. It's like no one even sees him!

Elizabeth Warren, Kamala Harris, and Joe Biden are neck and neck. Pete Buttigieg is bumped off the track

Amy Klobuchar seems to be pelting her pit crew with random car items and insults.

Amy Klobuchar hurls insults and binders

Oh no! Sen. Bernie Sanders is out of gas. But wait! His supporters have combined what cash they have and are now filling his tank!

Bernie Sanders is lacking gas

Cory Booker is asking a mechanic if he should even be in this race.

Cory Booker wonders if he should even.

Looks like a bystander has wandered onto the race track and into the path of Kirsten Gillibrand, causing a full stop. What's this? The bystander is heading for a bottle of ranch!

Kirsten Gillibrand stops as a passerby gets ranch.

It appears that former Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz has pulled over to the side of the track and is giving his pit crew racial-sensitivity training before he continues the race.

Howard Schultz gives his Starbucks team a word.

Stay tuned for more updates on our racers!

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